Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
