Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
