meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
