over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
