The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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