whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
