Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
