omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize