im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
