we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
