my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
