I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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