i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
