And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
