My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize