God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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