I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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