Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
