I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
