put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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