First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
