i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
