no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
