It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
