not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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