My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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