life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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