You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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