Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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