I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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