i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
