These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
