So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
