he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
