Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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