Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
