she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
cat food counts as protein by the way
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
