OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
