and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
