i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
