I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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