glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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