I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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