after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
