Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
