I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
