i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
