So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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