Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
