Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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