So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
