Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
