my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
