Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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