Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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