Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
50% drunk capacity currently
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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