I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
