you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
