If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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