seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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