nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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