I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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