Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
