I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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