Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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